Stabbing Onions and Other Necessary Aggressions

I once tried to slice a red onion in the back of a van while driving through Kansas. It ended with me covered in tears and smelling like a locker room.

Enter this strange spiked contraption I found on Amazon. It is essentially a stainless steel claw for your vegetables.

You stab it into the onion and slice between the metal prongs. It feels deeply satisfying, like the sound of a heavy bolt sliding into place on an old door.

The tines are solid enough that they would definitely survive being tossed into a glove box during a high speed pursuit, or at least a very bumpy drive to a campsite. It is not going to change your life, because that is a marketing lie sold to people who buy expensive blenders.

It just saves your fingers from becoming collateral damage. It is simple, slightly terrifying, and perfect for when you need to feel in control of your dinner.

If you enjoy the rhythmic thwack of a knife against a board, this tool is going to scratch that itch perfectly. It is just a piece of metal, but it works, and that is rare enough these days.